finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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