he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
this beer tastes like vomit already
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
