theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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