1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I wish life had little blips of pornography
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
