the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Verdict: uncircumcised.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
