a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
