Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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