I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
