you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
