Im at strip club and am horny
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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