The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
