My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
