i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
