gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
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