On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
