hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Randomize
