I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
