Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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