Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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