Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Randomize
