I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
