Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
