So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
