How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
my sisters under your porch take her home
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
