those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
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