I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
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