Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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