Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Randomize
