You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
