I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
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