Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
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