my shit smells like andre
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Randomize
