saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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