fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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