Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
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