I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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