k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
