why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
false alarm, still single
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
