afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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