i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
