if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize
