Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Randomize
