When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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