On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
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