i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
