I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Randomize
