so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
