your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
last night I used snow as a chaser
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