Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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