the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
